Divorce 101: How a Great Strategy Wins the Divorce Without Firing a Single Shot
- Rene Garcia
- Mar 31
- 11 min read
The second she says, "I want a divorce," the clock starts ticking. Get this wrong, and it could cost you time, money, and your sanity. It's going to feel like you against the world. But get it right? You take control, empowered. Point is that you have to approach your divorce from a strategic level.
It's not you against the world, but it is you against time, and you have to play it intelligent, get ahead of the fight you're already behind and be approach your divorce strategically. You'll be making some difficult decisions, ask some questions you didn't even know existed. Questions like:
How will I approach the divorce?
Where do I even begin the process?
What is the Process?
Which method will I be using in your divorce?
Because there are 4 different ways, you know.
Do you have to get an attorney? Are you going to get an attorney? And if so, why and what kind of attorney do you need?
One that's a pit bull?
A collaborative one?
One with experience in high conflict cases?
Or one that has experience in financial analysis?
How do I know what kind of attorney I need, I thought I just needed a divorce attorney.
How about the house... who's moving out?
Do you need a divorce team? What is a divorce team, you didn't know there was such a thing?
How will I be addressing custody?
Chances are, your soon-to-be-ex, she’s been doing her homework for some time now. Chances are that she’s well ahead of you. So now it’s your turn.
If you’re not prepared to think strategically and act decisively, this will be a costly and lengthy divorce.
So brace for impact, because this is your crash course on divorce—Divorce 101 if you will— I cover during my initial consultations in order to save you time and money.
When you’re forced to make emotional decisions under pressure, we panic, and panic often leads to making mistakes. You’re thick in the fog of war, meaning you have little to no situational awareness.
You’re now paranoid, or you can’t think clearly, and being ill-informed or rigid in your thinking is one of the top mistakes I see. And if you expect your attorney to give you clarity, well, you're in for a very rude and fucked up awakening.
Preparation is everything. I mean, you gotta know the process like you can recite your Hail Marys after confessing to a priest that you Fornicated Under Cardinal Knowledge.
A winning strategy secures victory before the battle even starts.
The divorce system is all fucked up. Divorce keeps getting more expensive, courts are seeing an increase in high-conflict divorces, and the only ones winning are attorneys. I’ve never in my life understood greed until I tried partnering with them. On more than one occasion I've directly been told that their motivator is getting more clients and on my Facebook Group I get them all the time, but they provide to guidance and self promote with websites.
Strategy #1: Build and Develop a Divorce Team
The first step is to build your foundation. Formally or informally, begin building your divorce team.
For those that don't know, a divorce team is your workhorse. They can include professionals like a divorce coach, counselors, attorneys, financial advisors, divorce support groups, or even people you just trust like family, friends, that priest that you confessed to—even HR at work for support and guidance. Your Divorce Team Has 2 purposes: It keeps you informed and it helps with loneliness.
At the risk of sounding commercial here, get a coach. I because cone because I know how effective they because they come with answers. You need one that knows divorce and one that comes with answers. The power and knowledge behind having one is like post-nuclear USA facing off against Nazi Germany—it's fucking fission, unstoppable.
An experienced coach has been through this often more than that attorney you may or may not hire. And while we don't give legal advice, we will discuss options you didn't even know you had—negotiation methods, communication methods, and even recovery methods—because your mental health needs to be your most protected asset. To be effective, my ass needs your head in the game, so I have to make sure your mental health is top of mind. Plus, because most of us are here to help the process go more efficiently, the courts look at us in a favorable fashion.
Join support groups for men. Just Make Sure they don't become a bitching contest of my wife did this. Use Facebook groups, and join mine if you wish. Most of the time, these groups are private and only other members can see your posts. You want one that is solution-focused rather than one that lets you bitch.
Find a therapist, but choose one with experience in grief—one who provides actionable steps and doesn't just sit there listening. A good therapist helps you understand your past and the choices that led you here. They give you tools to navigate through the bullshit.
Therapy takes time, but it helps in avoiding pitfalls and breaking unhealthy patterns. Don't go in there expecting immediate answers. Also, ask about their approach to grief or divorce. Make them think rather than just listen, because again, you need to stay sharp and in the game.
Use your friends and family, you want those that are going to ask the difficult questions rather than get you worked up. I think that's a problem that men have—we confuse a support system with a bitch session, and hence, we don't know how to form a good network. So news flash: A good network is probably the opposite of what you have in mind. Rather than a bitch session, a good network listens, evaluates, and provides solid feedback. Ideas.
Find one. Talk to them. But be careful not to use them as an opportunity for a bitch session. You want to come out of these conversations with some idea of where to go.
For instance, when I got out of my marriage, my sense of style had substantially dropped. So when I got divorced, I used my brother as a style coach and he pushed me out of my zone. Had me try, wear, and grow to genuinely like his recommendations—a few I wasn't used to.
My mother did the same thing. The way I saw it, I had adult problems, and I told her that from now on, I was going to speak with her as an adult, not just her son—and we got close. Even spoke about sex, condoms, even dare I say, my body count.
Strategy #2: Approaching Your Divorce
The next decision is figuring out how you want to approach the divorce legally. Mediation should always be the first consideration. It’s faster, cheaper, and less traumatic.
However, if she’s unwilling to cooperate or making unreasonable demands, litigation—otherwise known as your standard divorce—may be necessary.
Attorneys are like the government. They just fuck everything up. Attorneys are the only people I know that can fuck up a wet dream.
There are four ways to divorce. I'll go through them in order of price.
Do-It-Yourself Divorce: As the name implies, you do it yourself. Not recommended.
Mediation: The most cost-effective with the best outcome—but not used nearly as often as it should be. Mediation should be your knee-jerk response when getting divorced.
But we’ve been bamboozled into thinking that we need an attorney. And attorneys are masters at making us believe they're a necessity. They're about as useful as keeping a landline just because you still use a fax machine.
Divorce through mediation is 10 times less expensive than traditional divorce while keeping the channels of communication open.
Mediation is good for everyone—especially your kids. I talk to my clients about how to approach addressing this part of the divorce with their ex. Even if you already retained an attorney, I strongly recommend trying mediation—even if it's just for items that can be easily negotiated.
Collaborative Divorce: Here, you each get an attorney and you work together to find an acceptable agreement without going to trial. According to collaborative divorce, there’s a focus on negotiation, problem-solving, and minimizing conflict.
Sounds good on paper—but from a professional standpoint, it’s been a letdown. It's like putting lipstick on a pig, because approximately 95% of divorces don’t go to trial. So it plays out about as well as Larry Flynt’s attempt to make Christian porn—it’s just awkward.
My first divorce was collaborative. In hindsight, there was nothing collaborative about it, and it only served to cost each of us close to $100k in therapists for children, therapists for co- parenting, court costs, and legal fees. I was being led like the carrot and the stick. Two years into it, I just changed strategies—because who knows, I'd probably still be getting divorced.
(Most Common) Traditional Litigation: You hire a family law attorney. They’re what makes divorce expensive. They should be hired when diplomacy has gone out the window.
They should be a last resort, but often we don't know any better—they're our first choice. This is an expensive mistake, because you're looking at a five-figure bill when this is over.
They are necessary—I’m not saying they’re not—but they’re necessary when there’s a communication breakdown, or foul play takes place, or your ex is having issues with you seeing the kids.
Should be used when diplomacy is gone. But sadly, by the time most of you guys reach me, one or both of you have already retained an attorney. There are workarounds, but know that what you're doing is fighting a war on multiple fronts—including your mental health.
Strategy #3: Attorney
Do your homework. You shouldn’t enter the consultation with questions limited to your case alone or by just winging it. Your job is to understand your own needs and whether they can be met—just as much as it is to gather information about your case.
Prepare with a third party or someone you trust. Someone strategic—to uncover what type of attorney you really need.
The problem is, we go in and, if you're like me, you want to believe them. We want to like them. My attorney may have said 10% of what I really wanted to hear, but those were buzzwords that I chose to believe—leading me to a very unhealthy dose of confirmation bias.
The attorney needs to treat the consultation like a job interview—because it is.
Doing some very fuzzy math, the average family law attorney takes on about 12 to 14 clients yearly. So you walking in is like their time of the month. Plus, you're going to be paying some good money to represent you—so there are dollar signs.
You're going to need an attorney who fits your situation, so ask how they would handle your case if you hire them. Including potential pitfalls and/or pushbacks from opposing counsel that he needs to prepare for.
This is important because despite what you might see on TV, strategic thinking or negotiating is not something litigators are known for.
Usually, they're pencil pushers. So you want to listen for areas of higher-level thinking.
Ask what differentiates them from other divorce attorneys. If they’re “father’s rights,” then ask what makes them better than other father’s rights attorneys. And when asking, remember: confirmation bias.
If they bring out their years of experience in the conversation, it says a lot about just how little they know about their own practice.
Should you decide to get an attorney, it's imperative you get one that suits your needs. You may need a negotiator. Others may want someone with experience in parental alienation. Others may need someone with knowledge in finances.
What’s their approach to de-escalating a divorce that has the potential to turn into a high-conflict divorce? And if they say, “Well, we’ll just have to write a motion to the judge,” as their first answer—then that’s about as original as me saying to my brother that I’m telling mom.
You have to ask questions that fit your needs. What you don't want to hear is someone that says, “It might piss off the judge,” because that’s not really an answer. It's like a parent saying to their child, “Because I said so.” May be true—but why?
Here are some generic questions you can ask—whether you're hiring or already have an attorney:
Have they worked with the presiding judge in your case? If not, they’re probably not a good fit. If they have—what's the judge’s style?
What are their billing practices? Do they charge every 6 minutes or 15?
Do they know the opposing counsel? Ironically, you want one that gets along with them.
How do they communicate with opposing counsel—email or phone? Because I’ll tell you—it’s much more effective to have a phone call, come to agreement, and then write it down.
What are their areas of strength?
What’s the best way to communicate with them?
Will you be working directly with them or through an associate?
The questions are endless—and you’ll notice, it’s more about their approach.
Choose an attorney that will take time to break the process down for you. Avoid anyone who overpromises or encourages unnecessary conflict.
15% of divorcing couples fire their attorneys mid-case—don’t be part of that statistic. Minimize this by learning about them and by letting them know what you expect from them.
Strategy #4: Prioritizing Custody
Custody needs to be put first on the negotiation table. You—not her—must take the initiative.
Women often win majority custody because, as men, we wait for them to dictate the terms.
Most of us will say custody is non-negotiable—and that’s right, it is. But begin to think differently. You're not negotiating for your rights as a father—that's a given. You're negotiating to have those rights exercised.
It’s about letting her know that you’re as serious as a heart attack in your role as a father. That you’re organized, stable, and prepared. Don’t do what I did, and assumed 50%. Let’s put some perspective here: You’re not fighting to let her know she’s wrong and that you can and will win some custody. You do that and you’re picking the wrong fight.
You’re fighting to have your kids. Period. Not to prove she’s unreasonable.
So don’t be argumentative or combative when speaking to her. And when you’re done, give her time to register what you said. This is a war of intelligence you’re fighting.
People say to document everything like school pickups, doctor’s visits, extracurricular activities. But often, you're fighting on her terrain by saying you do the same shit she does.
I go a little further than that because experience has taught me women usually win majority custody because they have a plan and come prepared.
You don’t want to show you can just keep up—you want to show you’re above that. In other words, you’re not trying to show you’re just as good a nurse as she is—you’re trying to show that if she’s their nurse, you’re their teacher.
So if you taught them to ride a bike, read, or swim—these are key landmarks. Landmarks that can’t be ignored. Landmarks that both your kids and the court will notice.
To date, I can’t think of one client that’s gotten less than what they originally requested.
Don’t just advocate for your rights—present a plan that shows your specific role and plays on your strengths. Again—she may not agree at first. It's probably too real for her. Leave her a proposal: What you're willing to share, and have her look at it. Leave her with options. Have her present it to her attorney.
There’s so much out there, so much to do—but don’t get overwhelmed. Play to your strengths and play it smart. Don’t fight on her battlefield or by her rules.
In other words, rather than fighting fire with fire, fight fire with a fire extinguisher—set your own terms and make her play your game.
Experience taught me that it's usually your ex who tires first—and that makes sense. The first to start anything is usually the first to burn out. Plus, she’s fighting a tactical war, and these are the early wins of her labor. The problem with these early wins? There’s no strategy—because there’s no true goal other than defeat.
She attacked while you were thrown off, and I know right now you feel like you’re getting your ass kicked—and you probably are. But there’s a reason why I address strategy in divorce: because in the levels of war, the strategist is on top. And that’s exactly what you need—a clear vision.
Men's Divorce Coaching addresses your 2 fronts; the divorce and the recovery part (the fun part). In your recovery we begin with both mental and physical health care which includes fitness. You take an evaluation of your God given talents to make them into strengths, you have 24/7 access to me, style assessment with virtual shopping and yes, we work on you online dating pictures together virtually because I committ to you that you will be the top 10% of online dating guys and by the time I'm through with you, your ex, she'll become a has been, an after thought. My services are affordable and in perpetuity. So Click Here to Get you Started Immediately: Not ready? Check out what we can do for you by visiting our Home Page. Get excited about your future for the first time. Please feel free to make any comments or suggestions or you can email me at rene@yourrenesance.com
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