Most Effective Ways to Get over Your Ex - From the Quality Of Life Study (QOLSALAD - Study)
- Rene Garcia
- Oct 29, 2024
- 8 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
https://youtu.be/59gefm6mfA4When I went through my divorce, I was going to have to make some very inconvenient but mature changes in life. But for these changes to stick, they had to be fun. No dragging my feet. I had to make growth and development a priority. I wasn’t about to half-ass this. No middle ground. All or nothing.
I was single now. I could just "accept fate" or "own it". Have you ever met someone who didn’t just accept life, but own it? They hit different. They walk with this calm, unshakeable confidence, They're purposeful. They didn’t stay stuck or stagnant but adapted, evolved, and made themselves relevant. They took their pain, flipped the script, and made life bigger, better, and bolder.
From my divorce, I became a divorce and recovery coach. Built one of the fastest-growing men’s-divorce support groups on Facebook and asked the men to take a six-minute Quality of Life survey about Life After Divorce (QOLSALAD - Study - Click to Take the Study)
The purpose of this Quality of Life study (QOLSALAD - Study) was to uncover the Most Effective Ways to Get over Your Ex - From the Quality Of Life Study (QOLSALAD - Study). I wanted to test if time really heals all wounds or if there are other, more aggressive, and efficient ways to speed up the recovery process because right now, you just want to die. I know it, I’ve been there.
I asked the men about their quality of life post-divorce, time since separation, dating status, relationship with their kids, where they live (still with the ex or in their own place), and how they feel about the split.
Over 700 divorced men responded, and the answers were crazy insightful. If you’re going through a divorce or a breakup from a long-term relationship (see breakdown). Most were between 36 and 45 years old, with the average age being 40.
The overall quality of life averaged out at 61, with a standard deviation of +/- 12. If you scored 49 or below, you were responding poorly to the divorce. If you scored 73 or above, you were handling it pretty well. The lowest score was 28, and the highest was 96.
Men separated for 0-3 months scored the lowest at 55. Perfectly understandable—you’re a 40-year-old guy, probably married for most of your adult life, raising kids, and now your life’s being ripped away from you. You didn’t ask for this—she fucking did and she left a damn mess in the process. What you don’t know is that you’re going to grow like never before. I know it’s the last thing you want to hear right now, but mark my words: when you realize you’ve still got choices, you’ll look back in awe. You conquered your biggest defeat and fucking soared, like a peacock.
The guys separated for 3-6 months scored 62, and those at 6-12 months came in at 64. Men who had been separated for 1-2 years scored 67, and after 2+ years, the score was 74. It takes 1 year for a male to improve by 1 standard deviation. That’s a hell of a journey for such a small change.
Does Dating Help? A lot of men I coach begin dating but they half ass it. They’ll take a selfie, wear nothing special only to end up complaining when they’re only getting the left overs and say online dating sucks not knowing the full potential of this 5 billion dollar business. According to the survey, men that date improved their quality of life by ten points averaging 66 versus those that don’t date scoring 56 but do it with caution because as you’ll see, it can backfire on you.
Men that are cohabiting scored 55 versus those that have their own place, 67, making a 12-point difference or 1 standard deviation in change.
Conventional wisdom says that in divorce, men move out. In 53% of the cases, it's the female that moves out and when you think about it, it makes sense because despite you paying spousal support men still have an easier time paying off the mortgage or getting a loan vs women. Pluss. In an overwhelming amount of time, your ex-wife has been contemplating the divorce for years. She may even have a guy in the picture where she moves into. So when they say that they want a divorce, they already have a plan B. Taking the house is plan A but they have a plan B you just don’t know what it is.
If you're a divorcing dad, below is probably the most important part of the read because it addresses your kids
The most difficult part of the divorce was a three-way tie between finding purpose, dealing with the loneliness, and not having your kids regularly.
46% of all responded said the relationship improved but many hadn't made up their mind so I looked at those separated for 1 year or more and 58% said it did.
Over 1/3 of divorcing men hadn't made up their ming if the relationship with their children has improved or not but after 1 year 1/5 hadn't made up their mind. Most men felt the relationship with their children did improve after 1 year separated.
The largest commonality found between the father child relationship was whether or not the split was handled well.
Fathers that have not accepted their fate in their divorce only pushed away their kids. 56% said the relationship with their kids got worse. 23% said it improved. However when they not only accept their fate but rather thrive after divorce the complete opposite takes place. 15% said the relationship with their kids got worse but an astounding 71% said it got better.
Responding to the divorce incorrectly makes it will get weird for your kids and they will graviate towards the parent with more normalcy. You want to do something for your kids, do something for yourself. Invest in yourself. Nearly 80% of my clients have an improvement with their kids.
Exercise does significantly help with a difference of 13 points for those that workout 5 times a week versus those that don’t at all. This isn’t because the weight loss, it’s because the direction the men decided to take so when you do workout, do it for the right reasons, to improve your life, not just decrease your weight.
For those guys I coach, their entry score was 59% but after 3 to 6 months they're at 83%. 59 versus 83, that's a 24 point difference. 2 standard deviation shift after only 3 to 6 months of joining because by then, they’re usually well into their recovery. Remember that in the control, the average guy took 2 years just to have 1 standard deviation difference from 59 to 74.
You wanna suffer, give it time, time’s a reliable predictor and after two ears you still won’t come out as strong as you would with my coaching because you may have married wrong, but at least you're divorcing and doing it right. I’ll have you having so much fun you really do focus on yourself that's how much fun you're gonna have and if you're serious about hiring a coach, take the Pepsi challenge and let's meet, schedule a 1 on 1, I'll have you walking out excited about your future.
How does a divorce coaching program improve so drastically? Let's continue with the study to discuss, here's the meat of it, what you need to do. What would be considered substantial practical significance.
One of the most powerful predictors was in question 10, how you feel about yourself? Men you didn't like who they were scored 52. But those that loved who they were scored 75. That’s a 23-point difference—almost two standard deviations and again, giving it practical significance.
But how do you get from not liking yourself to loving who the fuck you are? Self awareness leads to self acceptance and knowing your strengths along with minimizing your weaknesses.
Income came right on top. Men bringing in 30 to 50% less had a quality of life of 56, but if they brought in 30 to 50% more, the quality of life increased to 73—a change of 17. So, let's face it, money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure buys you options.
How Much Will Dating Help? Not whether they're dating or not—we've already established that it helps a little with a 10 point difference but can it backfire? Those that date had a quality of life of 66 which is rather low. I looked at their success in dating. The question went like this: "When it comes to Dating," I gave the men five options:
It's the worst, and I can't find anyone.
It sucks; girls are slim pickings.
I haven't made up my mind.
I'm getting a couple of dates here and there.
I'm killing it out in the field, it's so easy.
If they wrote down that it's the worst, it's a hefty drop at 52% vs 81% who were killing it out in the field. 29 point difference or over 2 standard deviations. Going through a divorce and trying to date in a bad market would fuck anyone up. You put shitty pictures you're going to get the same return on investment but you put good quality pictures you're not only going to get better looking women but also better quality women.
Before you go around saying you have to be happy with yourself I couldn’t agree more. But getting out there in the field is vindication that you’re not the piece of shit she said you were. It doesn’t mean that you jump from one relationship to another. Far from that. It means that you can rest easy knowing that when you’re ready, you’re going to be OK and you’re going to begin meeting girls that would make your ex look short, fat, bald stupid and broke.
The majority of guys get 0 to 2 likes per dating app per week but I'm not here to get you in the double digits. You want to talk about options, I'm not exaggerating when I say I'll get you to the triple digits, you'll be so popular that it will get time consuming.
The most impactful question was their approach to being a new bachelor. They were asked how they're embrasing single life and given different options. From no I want my wife back down to I'm completely giving it my last hurrah.
Those still in denial despite in their loss, those that had not come close to embrasing their divorce scored the lowest of any of the questions in their quality of life including if they were homeless. Those wanting their wife back scored 47.
Of those that said they were giving it their last hurrah scored a 79 with the largest difference of 32. Nearly 3 standard deviation and making it a very substantial practical significance. Accept your fate, change paradigm from that of dread and loss to that of gain.
Is time the only healer.? No, but how you get there is a different matter. When you think about it, when you do focus on yourself, love who you are, bring more income, upgrade the quality of female from mediocrity to excellence and improve your relationship with your kids you'll be thriving and your ex was only getting in your way and in the end, your ex, she'll become an afterthought. Learn more about coaching, I structured my site for your convenience. Click Here to Go to Home Page and learn more about services, myths and what you're up against.
Gentlemen, you need a coach, you just don't know it. Get out of your funk and begin looking at this as an opportunity to live by your rules. Join our facebook group and if you're interested in a coach, let's meet. Schedule a consultation. I will get you there
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