Is Forgiving Your Ex-Wife After Divorce Essential to Moving On?

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Conventional wisdom says that to move on, we have to forgive our ex-wife, that it’s a necessary part of the healing process. But is it, really? What is forgiveness anyway? And do you have to forgive your ex in order to heal?

Many so-called experts say you have to forgive your ex in order to move on. But I’m not sold on that because we need to understand what forgiveness truly is. It can mean a whole lot of different things to different people. There are actually three types of forgiveness: exoneration, forbearance, and release.

When we think of forgiveness, we usually think of exoneration, as in wiping the slate clean. It’s a “let’s hug it out” kind of thing. It’s “we’re cool now,” the kind of “forgive and forget” thing that bros do when one of us fucks up, apologizes, and the other one says, “Dude, it’s all good, no worries.” That’s exoneration.

Then there’s forbearance. This is more like what happens in relationships. It’s the “I’m sorry, but you did this too” kind of thing. Like, “Sorry I called you an ass hole, but you really pissed me off.” You get a half-assed apology, then move on. You forgive, but you don’t forget.

But the kind of forgiveness I’m referring to is release. And release is when—let’s call her Katie, because for some reason a lot of my clients’ exes are named Katie—you feel like Katie dicked you over, but she just goes on her merry way about her day as if she didn’t do shit. Release is when you let go of those negative feelings toward that person, no apology necessary. You just let go. You may not forgive, but you sure as hell forget.

As I researched forgiveness, I found that it’s about the intentional decision to let go of both resentment and anger. That’s where things get tricky because resentment is that nasty feeling you get when you feel like you’ve been screwed over. Some would say the opposite of resentment is gratitude. By that definition, there’s no fucking way I’ll ever stop resenting my ex. She did me wrong, and hell no do I forgive her. But gratitude? That’s where it gets tricky.

I am grateful she left. I even did a video on Stoicism where I talk about her paramore's death (Click Here to Watch). This is what I said about him: "I like to think that despite it being done out of pure hedonism, the world turned it into his final act of kindness. If he had died before their affair, I’d still be with her, being cheated on."

As for my ex? She was too toxic. She was controlling, and her jealousy was pathological. I once had her come into the restroom after I took a shit just to see if it smelled. And since I suppose my shit doesn’t stink, she demanded to see my phone because she said I didn’t take a crap. That’s the thing that irks me about jealousy—they’re always looking to catch you in something, no matter what.

Am I grateful she left? Hell yeah. But hell no would I think to forgive her. Too much pride.

People say you need to forgive to move on for your own benefit. You know what I think? That’s the politically correct answer. It's the full of shit answer. Crap you say in an interview. It’s lame, it’s boring, and it’s bullshit. And that’s what I tell the men I work with. I’ll take them at their word as long as they don’t lie to themselves. I don’t give a shit if they lie to me—it only hurts them. But the biggest danger is when we start lying to ourselves.

I wanted karma to bite her in the ass and it did. Karma came to me, kissed me on the forehead, and went to collect her debt from my ex. When that happens, you go from deep anger to pity. You feel sorry for them. If I’m honest, she grosses me out now.

Not many men can say they saw their ex get what they deserved. I was lucky enough to be one of them. And it feels strange because you expect to feel something, some kind of joy or redemption. But it didn’t do anything for me. It was like drinking room-temperature water when I wasn’t even thirsty. You want to feel something, but you don’t.

What you don’t want to be, though, is the angry guy who’s still talking about his ex years down the line. You’re just hurting yourself. As a divorce coach, I’ve seen many men become crippled with anger and resentment to the point where I see hatred only making them look bad. They vent, and it’s my job to have them look forward not backward. Some guys have been divorced for years, and they say they can’t trust women anymore. Others join groups like Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) or the Red Pill movement, thinking money or power will fix their lives.

And I tell them, “You may have money, but you lack imagination and talent.” I also tell them the best financial year of my life was the worst personal year of my life.

Hating women or blaming feminism won’t solve your problems. Don’t get me wrong, the system sucks, and many of us got screwed over. But hating your ex just keeps you stuck.

Let me make this clear: You were used, abused, but let’s put things into perspective—you were not a rape victim. So stop acting like it. You didn’t lose everything; you just have to realize that your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted. And then, you have to let shit go.

Forgiving yourself is where the real work starts and it can actually be fun because you're only limited by your imagination. Most guys, especially at the beginning of a breakup, feel a tremendous amount of guilt. If you’re watching this and you’re still in the initial stage of your breakup, it’s normal. Very normal. But eventually, you’ll wake up, and that guilt will turn into anger as you realize you were bamboozled.

Some of you will have to pay alimony, or worse, your retirement. You’ll be pissed that your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted and even more pissed that you have to pay for it. But here’s what I tell guys: they may have your money, but you have their soul. Nothing in life is free, and if you think they’re getting away without consequences, think again. Karma’s real, and she never sleeps.

One day, it will be her turn to pay. Life is like the mob: “I don’t care what happened, fuck you pay me.”

Many guys will say they want to “work on themselves.” What they really mean is they need a breather. The sooner you let go and move on, the easier it will be to forgive yourself.

Even if I say you don’t need to forgive your ex, there’s still the “rancor” factor—the bitterness, the hatred that eats you alive. Richard Nixon once said, “Others may hate you, but they don’t win unless you hate them back, and then you destroy yourself.”

So, gentlemen, stop being your own victim. You gotta look at your situation with a little humor. Like the saying goes, “I cried when she left me, but I laughed when I saw who she left me for.” You want to move on? Find your purpose. Forgiveness may or may not come, but your excellence will carry you through.

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