Meeting Your Ex’s New Man

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If you’re going through a divorce, the very idea of your ex dating again is a mind fuck but if you have kids you're gonna have to meet him and worse, you’re gonna have to try and get along with him.

You may not have much say as to whom she dates but usually the last thing the new guy wants is to further complicate his life. They're probably going through the same crap themselves. Chances are strong he won't make your life more difficult, he's got his own drama,,, but he sure can make your life easier on you like helping with the drop off or even spending more time with you kids so play it intelligent and be nice, like “Minnesota Nice”

You're gonna size him up and that's normal it's human but two things that I have NOT heard are that either

1. She upgraded

2. He’s trying to be your kid’s dad

Don't be a dick. Life has a way of preserving its ecosystem and sooner or later, you too will be the new schmuck wink to some ex husband so no matter what you think of your ex, don't get him caught in your crossfire.

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It's to your benefit to get along with him. You don't and you're telling your kids they’re going to have to pick and choose what they can tell you and you need open communication with your kids.

You're telegraphing to others that you blame him for your loss and you don't want to give that impression to a new woman in your future life. Would you appreciate it if the girl you’re dating, if she gets along with her ex but doesn't speak to his new love interest? It's suspicious and a red flag. 

Here’s a common scenario: You two are getting divorced, in your late 30s, got 2 kids, married 8 years when you find your ex wife Katie’s dating some yahoo and worse, she already introduced him to your kids all done behind your back.

To feel disrespected as a dad is an understatement because fuck that, we don't want our kids being brought up by some schmuck.

Unless written on the divorce decree, it's gonna happen. One of you will introduce your kids without the other parent's consent and that's the way it goes and frankly, you may not trust her but you have to. You just have to trust that despite your differences, she's looking after the best interest of the children.

Now however perhaps it's your daughter, she has some school function or it's her birthday and now, it's time for you two to meet.

Prepare mentally. Reflect on where you’re at in your divorce, your relationship with your ex, accept she's moved on and the children factor because the younger they are the more urgent it is for you to meet the guy.

When you meet this new guy you're going to go through what social psychologists refer to as thin slicing. Within a microsecond you'll be noting his physical appearance, demeanor, style, presentation, pretty much everything. 

You're gonna size him up. Last thing you want is him mogging (mogging from the term AMOG = Alpha Male of Group) you and we all have egos. Metaphorically speaking, you'll be eyeball to eyeball and you don't want to be the first to blink

You’re gonna have a few say to focus on yourself but that’s two dimensional, lacks any kind of human complexity because we're not amoebas, we're cognitive creatures capable of complex thoughts.

Take leadership in the Conversation With Body Language and Make Sure You Control the Frame

Being prepared is the difference between you walking with your tail between your legs feeling sorry for yourself or walking out with confidence and even laughing. Validate yourself by acknowledging that yeah, maybe there is some comparison because last I checked self validation is the purest form of focusing on yourself.

Life’s not perfect, we all know that, we all have a stain or two in our life so preparing psychologically doesn’t mean to be a dick either. 

In the not too distant future you too will be someone else’s ex as well, show some grace when meeting because good bad or indifferent, this stranger is now part of your children’s life and even if

he had any kind of role in the divorce, if your children are minors, that ego has to go. 

If his guard is up it’s probably because he doesn’t want to get punched in the face so interpret any hesitancy as what it is and that’s his desire to not get his ass kicked. I've been the new guy, the stepfather, and although I was bigger than the ex out of respect for his children I just wouldn't have fought back.  

Right now, your life is complicated enough you need him to honor you as their father. You’re a dick and he will dismiss your decisions as their dad and you definitely don’t want him to feel sorry for you either. To be truthful, while I respected the father of my then stepchildren, I felt sorry for him, for me, he failed to grow but in many ways, we became "friends".

Chances are Her New Man Has His Own Kids To Worry About

Point is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You and your ex will have something they'll never have and that’s your kids and that part, I envied about the two of them. That you two will forever be family and married or not, I was just visiting.

Dude’s not trying to replace you, no guy goes into a step father’s role to replace the dad. Replace you as a husband, maybe but not as a dad. Guy probably has his own children to care for. He's just doing what he thinks is right. He’ll never be your kid’s father, he’s just the guy fucking their mom. 

From a stepdad perspective, being one was the most difficult thing I ever did and something I’ll never do again. I referred to it as "The Great Experiment", but it was one that blew up in my face.  It was just too difficult and the children's father appreciated my stepping up as their stepdad. I was good to the kids but I never took the place of their dad, didn’t even want that responsibility on my shoulder. As a champion of father’s rights, I respected him as a dad and he did the right thing and thanked me for being good to his kids.

Talking shit about her new guy is easy, it's what losers or haters do. When you meet, walk with a swag. Don't be a dick or act sad. Don't make him feel sorry for you. You laugh, you look at him with determined eyes and make him be respectful of you. Let him see the man that your ex fell in love with.

Lower Your Guard and Be Likable When Meeting Your Ex New Man

Have a moment with him and say in your own words that there's no ill will. That despite you and your ex’s differences you hope he doesn’t get caught up in them, invite him to reach out for the kids. Then make your ex nervous and exchange numbers with him and if he's not comfortable, he's a pussy.

What I'm saying is that YOU Control the frame here and say "Hey listen, when it comes to the kids, feel free to reach out. You’re a dad yourself, I’m sure you’d ask the same if you were in my shoes."

It's not your job to like the guy but rather to make sure he's good and just to your kids and who knows, there's going to come a day where you may need him and vice versa.

I serve as an advisor and personal consultant through your divorce because there's a lot of moving parts.

My goal is to minimize both your time and expense in your divorce thereby saving you money and heartache so that money doesn't leave your kids inheritance rather than moving to your greedy ass attorney.

I use my expertise in the options available along with what to do during your divorce so you come out of this thriving. Join our private Facebook community of divorcing men and join our YouTube channel, both links are at the top of the page and both are life changing and schedule a free 90 minute and confidential consultation to begin your new life as a single dad and as a single man.